Independence or lack thereof
Aug 25Independence is something I do not deal with very well. Let me explain a bit. Before Randy I was with my ex, Mike, from March of 05 until Dec of 06. He was emotionally abusive blah blah. We split when Randy came along in Dec 06. I went right from one relationship to the other.
Then Randy was taken from me to jail a week into the relationship. He did a month there, followed by a month in rehab, and then 6 months in a halfway house which was never completed. This led to a violation of probation and in November he went to prison for a year. I learned to be independent in that year with having to do everything from bring in money to calling the prisons for information/policies, ensuring things went smoothly for his homecoming, etc. I got used to knowing everything was in my hands and no one was there to help me. I was fine with only talking to him once a day or less if it had to be. I even went to MD for 3 days with no contact. He was the needy one. However, it didn’t make it any easier to see him for 6 hours at a time and have to turn my back and watch him stand in a line for a strip search after each visit.
Then in November he came home and I think I have a fear that the cops are going to show up again and take him from me. When he left in November of ’07 we were sleeping when the cops showed up. My dad called up to come downstairs. Randy stood up, threw a pair of pants on, looked down the ladder of the loft and said bye. I got down there and they were already breathalizing and handcuffing him. I will never get that image out of my mind.
I get incredibly antsy if I don’t know exactly where he is at any given time. I insist we go to doctor appointments together along with stores and pretty much any errands. I don’t mind doing the shopping or whatever with him in the car but I need to know where he is. Every time he goes into parole for a check in I fear he’s going to not come out. It was a big feat last week when I left for 3 hours to go to the store and do shopping while he stayed home. It’s driving both of us crazy. The clinginess gets to him but he deals fairly well with keeping me calm. Today for example he left at 10:30 to go with his friend to get some arrows in a town 20 minutes away. I woke up at 1:35 and he wasn’t home. I called and they had stopped at his dad’s to patch the tire but had to wait for him to arrive. It was 3 hours and I was wigging out. The thought of him getting his license back terrifies me too because then he really can come and go whenever. I’m also going to state here, it’s not an issue of worrying about infidelity whatsoever.
I just feel like I’m dragging him down. I don’t want to contribute this to hormones because I feel it’s deeper than that. I know he needs to sleep odd hours and that leaves me to do some stuff alone but I fight it if possible. Perhaps it is rooted also in the fact that I do everything he is required to since I am his taxi cab, so I expect the same in return? I can’t pinpoint it. But it sucks.
35 week checkup
Aug 20Alright. Angela of Radkitten.nu has given me 5 words to blog about BUT today I feel like I have an entry to write and random things are racing through my head. I will get around to it, I swear! Maybe once this whole wedding thing has died down.
So tonight I planned on getting home and relaxing with my half a sub from yesterday’s dinner but that didn’t work out quite so well. I also was craving chocolate so I made up some brownies and threw them in the oven. I grabbed my sub and glass of mountain dew and proceeded to sit down at my desk. Then I realized “Whoops, my cell is in my purse” and I need that in case Randy calls for overtime or whatnot. Wearing headphones I reach down to grab it and that full glass of ice cold mountain dew goes allllllllll over. Thankfully the direction it went was the opposite of my tower. I still had to remove everything off of my desk and make sure my mouse and keyboard were safe along with the digital camera. Once I dried crap off I realized that I too was soaked and needed to dry. I was sticky too so to the shower I went. I came back and scrubbed the desk off with some 409 to avoid stickiness for the next few months. I also tidied up a bit since Randy is SO FREAKIN’ MESSY and got comfy on my couch now that I think I have everything I need for the evening. My desk is slid to the couch because it’s easier for me to keep my feet elevated and the fan blows directly on me and I’m always hot.
Speaking of elevated feet I had my 35 week doctor appointment today. Now I go to weekly appointments. That’s scary. By my calculations of Sept 22nd as a due date I’m 35W1D but he said I was 35W3D so he either goofed or I’m 2 days ahead. *shrug* Whatever. She’ll come when she comes. I have to get blood work for HIV testing (which I just did at 16 weeks but apparently the state has another mandatory one at 36 weeks. Whatev) Her fluid is good and her heart rate was 124bpm. I’m going to get another belly shot soon to post. Otherwise everything is fine. I’ve been getting slight cramping and extremely sharp pains when moving in certain ways. I also can’t lie on my back. It’s incredibly uncomfortable.
I managed to get the wedding playlist complete with Randy and our friend Melissa’s help last night. We have 4 hours worth of music of all varieties. Tomorrow Randy and I are going to mom’s to finalize everything and I’m going to bring stuff over to her house so we can have it all in 1 place. (And we need to do laundry). Colby is also getting his rabies shot tomorrow afternoon. Then we’re scheduling him to get neutered sometime soon.
I’m going to curl up in the corner of the couch now with my wireless keyboard, headphones, and so some voice transcribing to earn my goal of $15/day to cover the rent. Randy is up to 45 hours this week and if he gets OT today he’ll be up to 49 which is always nice but it gets lonely. Such is life.
A flat tire leads the way
Aug 15Today started out as a good day. I left the house to go sell a few Darien Lake tickets to a friend for $50 which I was grateful for b/c it helps curb costs. Well I get there at 8:30 and come back to my little town. I decide to get the pop for the wedding today while I was already out since it was supposed to be close to 90F. I pull into Tops parking lot and hear hissing. Once I get out I see my driver side rear tire quickly deflating. After groaning and trying to call my brother (since he was at my house with Randy) and getting a turned off phone, I get ahold of mom. She gets woken up, has to drive 28 miles to get me, and we drive about 1 mile to get Randy. If I wasn’t 8 months pregnant with constantly swollen feet combined with it being 84F by the time it happened I probably would’ve walked home to get him.
We grabbed him out of a dead sleep and he put my spare on for me (which I also know how to do) and we came back home. Apparently there was a screw in my tire. Being that it’s a clean hole we should be able to patch it and not have to spend money to replace it. After arriving home and hitting the hay again we got up at about 4:30. Since then I’ve been doing ChaCha along with making dinner which was lasagna made with venison sausage and was absolutely declious. Now? My brother, Corey, Randy, and I are all set up in the living room on our computers. It’s typical for Saturdays because it’s Randy’s only day off. Him working 6 days a week sucks sometimes.
We can’t forget Colby in this mix though. I’ve moved my desk to being right in front of the fan due to the 90 degree heat. It’s going to be this bad for the next 2 days too. UGH. Currently the forecast for the wedding is low 70′s and cloudy but no rain so YAY.
Getting married in 9 days
Aug 13Yep, you read it right. My wedding is in 9 days and since it’s getting late we’re almost to 8. That’s a scary thought when combined with how much we still have left to do. So far we have
- Got all the clothing for the groom/groomsmen/best man
- Got my dress/bridesmaids/MoH
- Ordered the cake
- Hired the judge
- Purchased a marriage license
- Booked the park pavilion where we’re getting married
- Invited everyone and expecting 50-60 as a turnout
Mom and I are supposed to get together tomorrow to get a tiara and garter for me, pick up flowers for the bouquet, do some more of the food shopping (Most of my family is bringing a dish to pass but there are gaps to fill in), and get a few more decorations. For pictures we have plenty of friends/family and digital cameras and for music Randy has a nice sound system on his computer so that’s getting brought along and we’re throwing on a play list of songs we’ve made for the reception. We are dancing to Avril Lavigne’s “Keep Holding On” because with everything we’ve been through there is no other song that fits more perfectly. We’re not honeymooning due to him just starting a job and working 6 days a week and because we can’t leave the state anyways.
Then I’m due a month from the date of the wedding. Exciting!
I’m back
Aug 12Well, I’m back in the blogging world. It’s good to be back. The website is obviously still in progress and if you see any errors or have suggestions to make feel free to drop me an email atsilvergirl0007@gmail.com
For those of you who don’t know me too well, my name is Amanda or Manda. You can read more about me on the Manda page. I’m a 21 year old soon to be married and work at home soon to be mommy. (EDD: Sept 22nd, 2009) I spend way too much time online. The domain name stems from my impatience and how I always feel like I’m waiting for someone or something.
If anyone wants to do a link exchange feel free to let me know in the comments and I’ll get right on that.
