It’s all closing in on me
Jul 17I’m petrified. There is so much that goes on inside my head on a daily basis and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to make it financially because of the situation I’m in.
When Randy and I discussed having Gracie we decided before even trying that I was going to be a SAHM and we both were fine with it. I never even had the idea cross my mind that we would end up splitting up. I wonder sometimes if it is really the best situation for Gracie to be living with me. Her dad can buy her new clothes constantly, new toys, and everything else she needs. I am on WIC for her formula and when she’s one we’ll get juice, bread, milk, and fresh fruits and veggies. We are on food stamps so that we can both eat. I just got my medical insurance cut off because I didn’t go after Randy for medical support. (We talked last night and I told him I’m going in to do it and he’s going to enroll Gracie and himself at work since he’s now eligible). Hopefully I get it reinstated. If I lose my insurance I will end up completely screwed because without my seizure medication I will not be able to function and I won’t be able to care for Gracie in the result that I do have one.
I haven’t bought anything for myself since coming home from the hospital. It’s such a lifestyle change. I went from being able to go to Walmart and blowing $100/week on households and extras that appealed to us. I could pick up Gracie an outfit or spend $10 on a steak if I wanted to. Now? I had to have my one friend buy me plastic wrap and another bought me garbage bags because I needed to make the rent. I’m currently doing ChaCha and freelance writing to try to make money on the side while job hunting. My options are also limited because my vehicle was also taken from me when I was in the hospital due to it being registered to Randy’s mom. Anything I get has to be within walking distance and this town is probably 4 miles from end to end.
Randy and I agreed to $150/week for child support and it starts next week. $600/month is decent for CS but since I’m not working I have to live off of it. I try to pull in the same amount from ChaCha and freelancing. My friend Stacy is trying to get me a job for weekends at least (and as a fill in) for a prep cook at the restaurant she’s been at for like 10 years. I hope I can get it.
I think on a daily basis if only I knew then what I know now. I ended up leaving school and centering my life on him only to end up screwed over in the end. I helped him come from the bottom to the top and once he was comfortable he threw me back to the bottom. I can’t go back to school until after tax season (long story but it involves a student loan that will get paid when they take my taxes for it) so until then I need to find a different way to survive. I want to try to go to school for nursing once that is all taken care of. I just needed to write because I’m really scared on how I’m going to be able to make it. I’m scared that Gracie isn’t going to have a good life because of me and I feel so foolish for letting myself get into this position in the first place. Every time I walk into that welfare office I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking “Why didn’t she keep her legs closed?” like the stereotypical welfare trash that so many people envision. I didn’t choose for this to happen to me. It’s hard to try to be strong for Gracie. I just feel like things are hopeless.
My Zoloft got upped to 100mg today and Randy has Gracie for the weekend. I’m going to my aunt’s today for my cousin’s birthday.
It’s almost over
Jul 13Anyone who has been following the story knows that I’ve been in a custody battle. Well, Randy and I have been talking and we agreed to a joint custody agreement outside of court. Then today at court we both informed our lawyers. I dropped the order of protection today and we go back to court on the 30th. We have established I will have Gracie in my primary residence and he can get visits as we agree upon. The reason we have to go back is because Gracie’s lawyer wants to talk to my psychiatrist to ensure that I am indeed still seeking treatment. The 30th everything will be finalized. Then this custody mess is over. I’m getting $150/week in child support from Randy (something we agreed upon together). I should be over the moon because I got what I wanted but I’m not.
I don’t feel like getting reamed out right now but him and I began talking on the 2nd of July and I fell into his trap, again. We were together a few times and then today I got him to admit, after court when he came back here, that he doesn’t want to be with me because he enjoys his freedom (aka a girlfriend who doesn’t care where he goes, what he does, beer, and weed). I told him if that’s how he wants it then his claim to want “friendship” is bull. No texting, no calls, nothing. Just pick up and drop off of Gracie. I can’t be friends with him when I still have such strong feelings for him. I was fine until he came back in the picture. Now it’s time to start all over again but this time it’s harder because I don’t have friends living here to keep me grounded. It’s awfully lonely.
Right now I’m focusing my efforts on job searching because my article writing isn’t enough to live, even with child support. I’ll be scraping by and that’s not the lifestyle I want. I also need to save up so I can purchase a car. I need to build up everything I’ve lost. It’s hard and I’m scared. Very.
What a Night
Jul 11Well, my life seems to be a story of never ending action or drama or something. Let me back it up a little. Chris and I were roommates. His girlfriend is Niki. We all get along and Niki and I actually probably hung out more than they did together. Well last night they both decided to get drunk. Everything was fine and dandy at first. They were being silly and whatnot. I told Chris I was going to take a picture of him and it was mildly embarrassing. He was laughing at first and then decided that he wanted it deleted. No big deal. I deleted it and Niki watched me do it. However, this wasn’t enough for him and he flipped out and grabbed my wrists trying to get the phone from me. I kept struggling to get free from him and in the process both of my monitors took a topple to the floor. He almost snapped my phone in half as well.
The issue wasn’t that he was trying to get my phone. It was that he was making demands from me and then began screaming in my face to get what he wanted. I will not be controlled by ANYONE. Then he continued to scream and swung at me but didn’t hit me so I stood up and he pushed me to the ground. I called the cops and they made him leave. Niki, of course, stuck by him. They walked b/c they were drunk and an hour later they came back and got their cars. Then another hour passed and they came back and Chris got all his shit together and moved out. Then he tried to say I don’t deserve to have Gracie because I snap too easily and I’m not fit to care for a 9 month old. He even threatened to go to court on my date to tell the judge. I told him to mind his own fucking business, get his shit, and get out of my house.
So now I have no roommate and my house is a mess. However, it’s for the best. It may seem like a petty thing but one thing leads to another and soon enough he’s controlling me beyond something so simple. If I’ve learned one thing from Randy is that I can depend only on myself and I need to be able to stand on my own two feet when it comes down to it. Now I’m going to go clean my messy house because Randy is giving me Gracie overnight while he works which is nice. I think it may be a regular thing.
4th of July Weekend
Jul 05Well this 4th of July weekend was pretty fun. On Friday night I went with Jenn and Niki where I discovered lemon drops at the bar. OMG YUM. I had two shots and socialized with them. ’twas fun. Then Saturday we lounged out all day until going to a friend’s house party where they drank lots and Chris accompanied us (DD, always). They played flip cup, beer pong, and a combination of the two known as flong. I didn’t drink (not a beer drinker, ew) but it was fun to meet some new people. We didn’t get home until like 4:30am. AHHH.
I ended up getting up at 6am yesterday (why, idfk). Then at about 2:30 Niki and I went to my mom’s house for a cookout of steak, pasta salad, chips, watermelon, and other nummy food. After two hours in the sun I was ROASTED. I’m feeling it today. Niki left at 5:15 to go to work (KFC) and I went to my mom’s cousins and proceeded to get drunk. I drank smirnoff and wine coolers and a pina colada too. I haven’t been drunk since before Gracie was conceived. I was so giddy and happy. It was an early night in comparison though. I got back around 10:45 or so I think and was in bed by midnight. I slept like ass though because 1. It’s humid as hell out and 2. I got mad sunburn on my knees (the way I was sitting), back, chest, and shoulders. I also need to change from my fleece sheets to my cotton today.
It feels like a Sunday today. I need to clean but I hurt so I’m just like meh, there’s always tomorrow. I’m not getting Gracie today either because Randy wanted to take her to the beach so I’m going to get her Tues, wed, and Thurs and one of those times I’m keeping her overnight as well. It works out for me so I’m not complaining. Now it’s off to write a few articles, do some ChaCha, and then MAYBE start on cleaning. Niki is coming back tonight and Chris is currently buying a few things for the house at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Him and Niki are kinda dating and Niki and I have gotten really close so I’m quite content and happy lately. Court is next week and I’m feeling optimistic.
